By: Hugh O'Neill
Earlier today, we dropped our daughter off at college. Like her brother before
her, she went and grew up on us. And as I write, I'm sipping some single malt
and feeling downright valedictory, even rueful about the passing of the Dad
years. Sure, I've still got a role as their father. But it's just a bit-part
now and, worse, doesn't include all the best stewardship stuff - sandwich-making,
cleat-buying, locking the door behind them each night when they come home.
Clearly, an era has ended.
And as usual, whenever a buzzer sounds, the competitor within wants a score.
How'd I do? whispers the bottom-line lobe of my brain. Normally, I'm not much
for self-criticism. I'm from the school of Reggie Jackson, who, when asked
to describe his shortcomings, once confessed that yeah, okay, he probably
did care too much. But somehow, my kids' leave-taking has cracked open my
shell. Suddenly, I can see some areas of Daddy weakness.
Now, don't mistake me. My kids are damn lucky to have me. After all, there
were no sirens or flashing lights in their childhood. Nor am I enjoined from
crossing state lines. I hereby re-state my official position: they could have
done worse in the father sweepstakes. Still, looking back, it's clear that
they might have done better, too. If I could turn back time, here are some
things I would have done differently, more or less.
1. I Would Have Packed the Car More Often
Some of my most vivid family memories are from on the road - midnight swimming
at Disneyworld, hiking above the treeline as night swallowed Colorado. Sure,
in part they stand out just because they were exceptions to the dailyness
of our three-bedroom cape in New Jersey, and we saw new places. But for me,
the appeal of traveling as a team isn't that it's broadening, but the exact
opposite; it's sweetly narrowing. Somehow, when you're lifted out of your
normal habitat, dropped into an unfamiliar place where nobody knows who the
four of you are, you see your team with fresh eyes. Somehow, after a day at
Colonel Wilson's Reptile Village, with all of you cuddled in two beds in the
$39.95-a-night anonymity of motel America, watching some corny movie and eating
pizza, you feel bound, not merely by DNA or circumstance, but by the memories
you've made together. No passports or planning or piles of money required.
Just go. Three days hiking in the nearest national park. A weekend trip to
watch the Yanks play in Camden Yards. Just go.
2. I Would Have Tried To Spin Things Less
I'm a sunny guy, and so spent a lot of time reassuring my kids. They'd come
home from 4th grade with a problem and I'd explain it away rather than really
hearing it, understanding their anxiety. Bad plan. I'd sympathize more, manage
reality less. That way they might confide in me more now without fear of being
talked out of their feelings.
3. I Would Have Raised My Voice Less
If you ask me, most fathers of my generation don't shout enough. We try to
reason with kids who have no concept of what's reasonable. I once heard a
guy trying to coax his son off the roof of a Honda Odyssey, explaining why
it wasn't safe to ride up there. "If Daddy had to stop short, you could
fall off and get hurt, Brandon, and that would make Mommy and me sad."
Yikes! Sometimes, yelling is better than building self-esteem. Consider this
from psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim: "We become most upset with our children
when we see in them aspects of our own personalities of which we disapprove."
Bullseye! I support Dad anger when kids have earned the wrath of a right-thinking
man. But my wrath wasn't always the honest and true and helpful kind. Sometimes
it was the whirlwind of my self-loathing. That wasn't fair and I'd take that
back if I could. My hunch is that free-floating anger makes kids more timid
than they otherwise might be.
4. I Would Have Put Up the Hoop Sooner
It's no snap to find common ground with kids. After all, a man's s filled
with exotic sexual fantasies about Olivia in human resources, and a kid is
fretting about being sucked down the bathtub drain. A basketball hoop in the
driveway is a bridge across the gulf. It's hospitable to games of h-o-r-s-e
with your 52-pound third-grader and to real contests with your teenage power
forward. The beauty is that the court requires no conversation - which both
fathers and kids hate. The shuffles and sounds of driveway basketball - the
bonk of the rock on blacktop, the lope and ease of shoot and retrieve —
are WD-40, loosening up everything and quieting the minds of both big boys
and their kids.
5. I Would Have Hung Around More at Bedtime
The ten minutes right before the kids go to sleep are often gold. In a way,
they've surrendered, and sometimes, as they put on their pajamas and brush
their teeth, the anxieties of the day fall away and they'll start to talk
in a wandering, undefended way. Often, revelations float to the surface and
you'll get glimpses of dreads or enthusiasms or curiosities that the momentum
of the day may have obscured. Don't get caught downstairs watching the second
quarter of Pistons-Bulls just when they're about to blossom. Hang around their
bedroom for 10 minutes or so, and see if you can't catch a flash of something,
of little people reaching out to the big ones that they suspect care greatly
about them.
6. I Would Have Bought More Hamsters
My hunch is that years hence, long after I'm gone, whenever my daughter thinks
of me, the first word that flashes across her mind will be Peaches. Not the
fruit, but the loyal brindle-and-white hamster who was the founding mother
of our rodent dynasty. For a period of four years from 5th grade through 8th,
she and I conspired to raise countless generations of hamsters good and true.
And the sense memories of the equipment required to tend said pets —
the squeak of a hamster wheel, the piney smell of wood chips — will
always summon Dad for daughter, daughter for Dad. Fishing has the click of
reels, the texture of a basket creel. Car-care brings wrenches and fumes and
hand soaps around which pearls of recollection grow. I'd have shared more
stuff with my kids — golf, hunting, baseball, coin-collecting, camping,
whatever, doesn't matter — anything that has the gear to shape remembrance.
7. I Would Have Invested The First Five Minutes More
Often, at the end of the day, I was tired. Frazzled by obligations and addled
by a too-short attention span, I didn't always engage with my kids in whatever
- reading to them, helping with homework, listening to their tales of trauma
or triumph. But almost every time I got past the initial inertia — driven
by guilt or goading from Mom there were moments of invigoration just around
the bend. We stumbled upon silly games and jokes that have evolved into the
stalwarts of our family culture. Thoreau celebrated what he dubbed 'the gospel
according to this minute.' If I could turn back time, I'd try to think about
the past and the future a little less.
8. I Would Have Been More Patient With Fantasy
Let's say a man had a son who was less interested in sports than he was in
elves and wizards and comic books. And let's say that this son who was in
every way bright and good and loving just didn't fit his father's preconceived
idea of what his son would be like. He was expecting a hearty Huck Finn, an
outgoing, athletic boy and he got a somber, shy, sweet one. A fully-grown
man ought to have known that there are a million paths to manhood; he should
have cherished somber and shy and sweet more. His failure to embrace those
elves must have seemed like a reproach.
9. I Would Have Touched Them More
I touched my kids a lot when they were little. We wrestled and cuddled, slept
together whenever anybody got scared. But as they got older, I got less touchy.
Sure it made some sense. Fourteen-year-olds rarely enjoy the same monster
games they did a few years ago. But in part I fear I touched them less because
I felt marginalized by their teenage disinterest in me. Yes, I was giving
them their space, but I was also withholding the endorsement of a tap on the
shoulder while passing in the kitchen, a kiss on the top of the head while
swooping out the door to work. Shame on this grown man for holding out on
the kids he loved. Human touch trumps the language of esteem-building. A righteous
Dad should keep using his hands.
10. I Would Have Been Alone With Each of My Kids More Often
I spent a fair amount of time with my children. But the lion's share of it
was with both of them. I wonder if being a threesome or foursome didn't keep
me from hearing the unique sound of my boy and my girl. God knows we had lots
of laughs as a group, but in my next life, I might institutionalize some just-the-two-of-us
traditions with each of them. Something tells me that if I had a never-fail
everyday-Saturday-morning diner-breakfast with my daughter - my son was asleep,
anyway - I might have heard her solo voice a touch more clearly and she might
have understood the particularity of my love for her.
Bonus Wish: I Would Have Had More Kids
Sure, that's easy for me to say, since childbirth is not overly taxing on
Dad. And I suppose stopping at replacements for Mom and me made some ecological
sense. It's not that I feel I've been cheated - Josh and Rebecca have filled
my cup - but I fear I may have shorted my kids on the greatest asset there
is, brothers and sisters. I've got an embarrassment of riches - two brothers,
four sisters, arrayed in a crescent from Maine to Washington DC — who
every day make me feel at home in this world. I have a hunch more is better.
The love of your siblings might just make your parents the smaller figures
they ought to be.
If you judge a father by his results, then I'm as good at it gets. My son
and daughter have made my mistakes moot. We'll just leave it at that, lest
my editor has to cut out encomiums to my kids. Here's what I think I've learned
about fatherhood: All the assertive, egocentric skills that make us successful
as young men, as athletes, as wooers of women, as commodities in the marketplace
of the world, actually hobble us in the sweet sessions between father and
child. If I could do this again, I'd just work harder to be quiet, open to
songs in all the keys of life. My kids didn't have a perfect father. My bet
is yours won't either. But they won't need one — not as long as they've
got you.
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